Art, Heart & Words
lovelytheband’s song doesn’t have anything to do with this painting but it was an easy title.
Sigh, ugh, I don’t know…finally used a painting as an opportunity to express a feeling I’m afraid to talk about. Won’t even here. But yes, this girl is creeeepy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa fffffffffffffffffff.
Used oil paint. Very goopy. Very hard to scoot.
Yet again, some 4 years later, I somehow ended up accidentally using Lee and Lucy for a Valentine’s drawing. Probably regret Levi’s hat. He’s not a hat kind of guy apparently. Not that it looks bad, it just makes him look so un-Levi-like. I fucking love both their cute little faces. And Lucienne’s glorious thick Tangled-esque braid. Friendly reminder that Lucy and Lee have reminded me of Rapunzel and Flynn ever since I saw the movie in theaters when I was first writing it eight fucking years ago per IMDB.
Used a surface blur this time around to soften the grainy familiarity of colored pencils. And nod to Levi’s “SW” hat.
Hopefully now that I finally put the lyrics from that one song into a drawing I’ll stop being so ridiculous about it.
Omfg, so I have probably put 60+ hours into Assassin’s Creed: Origins so far. It’s basically my dream come true. A third person sneaky bow and arrow parkour game starring a hunky Egyptian climbing pyramids and statues of gods and fighting crocodiles and hyenas. And then the protagonist’s wife Aya is like, oh my god. Their relationship is amazing. Aya is like sworn to the Queen and Bayek is like “hey can we just go hang out and be husband and wife and have sex on boats pls” and she’s like “UGH BAYEK NOT NOW I’M SAVING EGYPT” and he’s like “aw ):” and then Aya’s like hold on honey this Caesar guy doesn’t think a woman should do this and Bayek’s like lololol do it up babe and then tells off Caesar like hey last time a man doubted her she cut him into pieces. Ughhh I can’t handle it. But then I think in the last act I just finished they kinda broke up and I got a lot of feels so, after wanting to make some Bayek fanart, I realized I probably had to make some sad Bayek/Aya fanart (Baya? Ayek? Been working on this painting for 3 days and I still can’t decide on their couple name.)
LOOK AT THESE BABES THOUGH
Can you take a moment and appreciate how much fucking detail I put into their clothesasahaha, it was really hard too because as you progress in the game and upgrade your armor, you’re wearing the same pieces but they go from light leather and jerkin to fucking steel ass steel and gold and shit, so I kept having to decide on what type of armor to put him in and make sure I didn’t change the other pieces to not be from the same upgrade.
Ryan said I should put this up on some of my stores sooo…I’m gonna go do that.
HEARTS FOR THESE GUYS THEY BETTER GET A HAPPY FUCKING ENDING
[edit] They. Do. Not.
Pending revisions after I stare at this for a while, I am happy to present my 6th Emotia painting, “even though i still feel broken.”
It’s been about a full year since “i do believe in new beginnings,” and my emotional landscape has gone through a lot this year. I have begun to manage my anxiety symptoms and spent the year on medications that greatly reduced my daily experience with anxiety and almost eliminated all but maybe five panic attacks for all of 2017. I think that’s what the stitch in her head is for. The worst wounds in my brain were kind of fixed, but my feeling of my brain being broken is definitely still there.
I also got the best job I’ve ever had, where every day I put on a smile and bring light, safety, and comfort to kids who are further in that maddening darkness than I’ve ever been. And while it has given me a safe space to talk about how yes, anxiety affects me too, it’s often been undercut by my own feelings of anxiety and insecurity that make it hard for my joy and satisfaction at work to be authentic. I have told many coworkers I become a different person at work, and nobody would believe how socially anxious I am, or how mean or cynical I am, in my real everyday life. So the mask I put on for work is there, and its strings are navy because that’s what I wear to work, disgustingly, haha. I struggled with how I incorporated work because it really has been a huge part of my life this last year, and I really thrived there and got a promotion and everything, but…I don’t know, last summer I told a patient I really liked that believe it or not I get told on a daily basis I’m someone’s favorite tech, but that approval, that validation, just kind of hits a wall in my heart where compliments don’t get through. I know what I’m capable of at work and I know my strengths, but I still suffer from a heavy, overwhelming belief that I am worthless and incompetent. It’s really sad, and it’s the one thing I am setting into 2018 trying to change.
The eyes battle with each other because of a deep and intense anger that I had for most of 2017. It was all because of the blood on my hands, the loss I suffered, the mistake I made, the people I hurt. It was a deep and hollow anger and hurt that I knew all that could be done about is to get through it.
The anger became something of a coldness in me as the year wrapped up. I have snowflakes on my shoulder for two reasons: the holidays were one of the emotionally hardest part of my year, and all my anger and disappointment in myself made me feel cold and numb. Work was awful, and I just really struggled feeling wanted or a sense of belonging. And the frustrating part of that is that there’s no good reason for it. I have not one but two families who have loved and accepted me. But I was wildly PMSing on Christmas and that did a lot of emotional damage to me. So, holiday snowflakes, internal numbness.
The shattered chest is a throwback to my original Emotia drawing, “feelings I don’t want.” I still have feelings I don’t want. I did things I shouldn’t have done this year. But again, a lot of this painting circles back to how poorly I feel about myself. That’s why she’s the first Emotia girl with my body type. Except her tit’s a bit perkier. I did gain weight throughout my first year of marriage, and that’s always just felt like something that is completely out of control and yet is still something I feel extraordinarily guilty for.
Still have my foofy wedding dress on. My relationship has been one of the only things unaffected by my emotional turmoil. Only one of my panic attacks last year was about us. We are growing, we are coming together, we are passionately committed to each other, and being married has just given us something unifying, something that keeps us close and alive and intense, even when everything else in our lives is pretty much routine.
So there it is. Something came up on my Timehop this morning of like a simple drawing of me and Hoshi and I realized once again my impossible art standards for myself are probably a huge part of why I don’t produce as much art as I used to. Can’t just do a doodle. Need to do a fucking 14-hour portrait.
Enjoy Emotia in succession.
